if only i could text you this smell
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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