I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
