My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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