Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
