I'm eating all of the evidence.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Vodka?
Forever.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
