and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
