Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
