I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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