it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
