Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
