i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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