I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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