Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
