My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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