If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
