My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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