Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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