Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You pole danced in your parka.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
