True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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