Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
