I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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