her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
