things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
