I wanna bring you to show and tell
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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