I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I will pee on everything he values.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
