You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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