Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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