She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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