Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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