The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
