If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
