I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
