Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
