I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
