Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Randomize
