if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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