i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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