His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
