Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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