new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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