The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It's shark week go big or go home
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
