I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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