i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
MIDGETS
????
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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