"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
