and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
