Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
