What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
