I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
