M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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