I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My penis needs a shock collar
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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