After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
