I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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