I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
