I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
