it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
