So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
