my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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