I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
